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I think she unwillingly did it.

She probably didn’t sleep the night before. And eat. Her boss said she sent a text message that morning confirming she was not going to work. Nobody knew what made her feel unwell. Probably because nobody asked or for that matter, cared to know.

Maybe there were thousands of things going on inside her head that time. Her family said she has a problem with a lover. They tried to console her but all she said was, “I don’t want to talk about it.” At exactly six in the morning, she told her parents she will go to Manila.

I imagine she had nowhere to go to.

When you travel for one and half weeks a few days before you just can’t afford to run away. Rush hour is just really bad in the metro. The trains are jump packed with people struggling to come to work. She was tired for sure but at that point, one just feels really lost.

I supposed she had no one to open it up with.

Her last words were not spoken, you know? It was written down on a piece of tissue paper. Like she just finally decided to carry it on. She was found the morning of July 19^th by her apartment cleaner. According to the autopsy she died by bleeding through a gunshot wound in the head. A suppressed firearm was used, she died in silence. The last thing she may have heard was her own self gasping for air. She didn’t die right away. Living was just too much to bear but even in dying she had to suffer.

I wonder if she regretted her decision.

 

Kids These Days Are Lucky But… Not Totally

Okay. I would like to apologize for using the word ‘totally’ because inside my head it sounds like a bitch saying it in a high-pitched voice which also disgusts me. Anyway I meant  how I used it because kids these days are really lucky… except not totally.

For starters, I would like to explain my situation. I am a college student living alone at a 3-story house ever since I was in 3rd year high school. It appears to be cool until people find out I don’t go to crazy parties or hold drinking sessions inside my house. I also receive a monthly allowance (yes instead of daily or weekly) of 10, 000php. That also seems to be awesome until people learn I pay my own bills, also on a monthly basis. And for another record, I as well  had 3 part-time jobs in the past which for Americans are not many, but for Filipinos they are.

A Public Apology Regarding My Last Article

I received a tremendous amount of feedback regarding my last article. Some were positive, others were not.  I decided to write this article to make peace with everybody.

For starters I would like to say I’m sorry for ruining everybody’s daily dose of selfies and OOTD’s with my political post.

Also, I’m sorry for bringing out the butthurt to a number of people. You must be killing me inside your minds right now.

I’m sorry for valuing people’s attitudes than the labels they come with.

I’m sorry for being mature enough to sympathize with those students outside UST being shamed by some Thomasians.

I’m sorry I generalized the whole Thomasian community to be ashamed. Oh wait, didn’t I use the word “I” in the title? You see, my whole life I thought that pronoun was pertaining to one single person. I must be wrong.

I’m sorry I have a brother from FEU and I can see pain everytime he hears the Benavides “joke”. Can you repeat again what seems to be the funny part?

I’m sorry I love UST to the point that I want to improve the internal system by bringing up this issue. I didn’t know I was supposed to be blind and deaf about its flaws.

And last, I’m sorry for making you believe that I’m apologizing for what I did because I am clearly not.

Cover photo retrieved from: http://www.vatikag.com/

Why I Feel Ashamed To Be Called a Thomasian

I sat in a room filled with fifty students for one of my major subjects. Our professor was explaining to us the different types of test used in statistics. He then gave us a sample, saying we have to use a specific test if let’s say we are going to research about study habits of students from Ateneo, La Salle–and FEU. Almost everyone inside the classroom laughed upon hearing that.

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How many times have you told a girl she’s beautiful?
How many times have you said you are going to take care of her?
How many times have you assured her you won’t give up on her?
All of that only to find out you are getting tired.
Only to say sorry a hundred times for the tears she will be shedding
until she finds another man who will make her cry.

How many times have you told a boy he’s perfect?
How many times have you said you are going to spend the years to come with him?
How many times have you assured him you won’t give up… no matter what happens?
All of that only to find out you will meet someone a whole lot better.
Only to take back the curses you said when you were in pain
and now you see someone suffering the way you did.

In short: How many times have you broken someone’s heart? Tell me. So I can tell you the number of people you have comforted will never make it up for the number of people you have destroyed.

 

Cover photo retrieved from:
http://hdwallpapersfactory.com/computer/broken-glass-duel-dual-monitor-desktop-hd-wallpaper-797414/

Spending Holiday Season Alone

I never liked Christmas. My family does not celebrate it as much as most people do. We just eat together then sleep pass the holiday celebration. No greetings, no hugs and kisses. It has been that way ever since I was a kid.

So I thought I won’t be lonely this season being alone. 

It’s the first time I spent Christmas without my family. So this is what it feels like, I thought. I have a part-time job in the city so I cannot go home in the province. Something just feels empty without their presence. We never gave gifts to each other but their presence were somehow a form of assurance. And right now, even if I am inside my family’s house in the city, it does not feel like home without them.

It looks like I’m going to welcome the new year the same way.

Happy Holidays everyone.

Cover photo retrieved from: http://coverphotosite.com/

Smitten

“Have you ever seen something so beautiful you wanted to cry?”

Those words stumbled out of your lips and somehow found their way inside my mind. You were busy gazing at the fireworks and listening to the loud music I was not able to appreciate. I was occupied staring at you. Your eyes, passionately swollen with tears, reflect a majestic spectrum of colors. Gently but fast, I felt your hand holding onto mine tighter. From what I felt inside, it’s not just my hand you are grasping but also my heart. A heart that was beating so fast it was all that I could hear.

Ten minutes. That’s how short it was supposed to be for everybody. Except me. At that very moment, it was my eternity.

You looked at me, then smiled. Vehement. The best word to describe the butterflies fluttering inside my stomach.

I swear to God I haven’t answered a question so honestly.

“Yes. Yes, I have.” I murmured as I pulled you into my arms.

 

Cover photo retrieved from http://www.freetimelinecovers.net/facebook-covers/fireworks/

Life Is Not Black And White

It’s funny how some people just come up with conclusions who gets to go to heaven and hell. Yeah sure, you have your Bible verses. I don’t think most people understand it in a deeper level though. It seems to me religion is being used as a ticket to heaven these days. In other words, if you don’t believe in God, you rot in hell. If you believe in Him, you go straight to heaven.

Isn’t that ironic at all? Like what I said in my facebook account, a forgiving God who condemns everyone who does not believe in Him does not sound forgiving at all. He gave us free-will and now you’re telling me He is going to punish people for choosing to believe what they think is better. 

Yep

Of course,
someone else
could have written
it way better
than you did.
Perfect grammar,
deep sentences,
beautiful metaphors.
But where would
be the substance in that?
People will always
have something to say.
Improve this,
Change that.
But that’s okay.
They’re not the ones
in your shoes anyway.
No one can put it
the way you did.

A Day In The Month of November

I found myself in a dark alley I have never been to until now. The wind was chilling and the breaking of the autumn leaves can be heard outside. I was about to go to this girl to ask where are we exactly. She noticed me and after a few seconds of awkward stares, she ran towards the end of the alley and I went to follow her.

“Wait!” I shouted but I don’t think she heard me.

She raced towards where the sun was shining. My stamina was declining, I don’t think I can keep up anymore. Just as I was about to halt, she paused and turned to me. This girl… I know her. Her lips curved to a smile before she can be drawn into the light. I have questions for her, she can’t possibly leave me behind.

As I reached outside, cold wind brushed up by my side. There was no sight of her. I looked everywhere from the playground where the kids don’t seem to notice my panic to the benches where I would usually eat my Wednesday breakfast bagel with her to the sea which smells immediately occupied my asthmatic lungs.

There was no An.

The thought itself was lonely because it just felt so right for her to be here. Just let her go. My sore feet walked slowly towards the bench with the best paint. An picked that herself. But I can’t let her go.